Weight of the World
by AntiMorality
Summary: Ashley and Spencer broke up and did their own stupid things to themselves and now they have no choice but fix it in therapy, together, and with the help of some new peers.
1. Weight of the World prologue

**Disclaimer**: I don't own SoN, the characters, or anything else except for the plot

Tom Lynch on the other hand has it all.I also don't own the lyrics used, Amy Lee and Evanescence own that.

**Warning:** I used colorful language, wouldn't want to damage your virgin ears now

**Name of the song:** Weight of the World

**Summary: **Ashley and Spencer broke up, why? I don't really know. Anyway Ashley is not feeling all that well and does something about it. Its all about Ashley though. Kind of "dark", kind of sad, kind of angry, kind of a lot of things I guess.

_Feels like the weight of the world_

_like God in heaven gave me a turn_

My heart hurts so much right now and I don't even now why I guess all this so called angst is getting the best of me and all I want to do is sit and cry till I just can't breath any more.

I'm cold and alone again. No body wants me around, my own parents must hate me by now. My ex is better off with out me even though she tried to hold on, I disappoint every one, and the one thing that I thought I could do right, as it turns out I just can't. I'm the worlds biggest fuck up and it took this long to realize it, again. It doesn't mean I don't need her though...

_Don't cling to me, I swear I fix you_

I don't know why people even bother trying to read into my mind, trying to fix me some how. I even started writing stuff just trying to make them understand better when even I know that I truly am fucked beyond belief, I don't get why people bother with me anymore. I whine and bitch about how imperfect I am, and secretly wanting their pity but knowing it will get me no where.

_Still in the dark can you fix me?_

I have no life and I know this yet some people will try and talk to me? Why? What the hell could I possibly posses that makes certain people gravitate towards me cause it sure as hell ain't my fucking attitude. I'm the worse thing on this planet and yet people are here supposedly waiting for me..what the hell?

Who gives a fucking damn anymore I really just want to go to her home and tell her in person that I love her and then never see them again perhaps blow my brains out in the middle of no where, a place where I will never be found. A place six feet under and cold just waiting for me to come home. Cause death is the only sure thing in my life. The only thing that I know I can count on.

_Free fall, free fall, all through life_

I really hope that my end is soon cause I cant take anymore of everyone's happiness it really is taking its toll on my poor excuse for a life, there really is nothing for me left to do. Now that she really is out of my life I really cant bear to live with out her. I know this will surely break my heart into a fucking million pieces all over again, I've lost all my motivation for everything.

My muse is gone. I have no reason to breath the same air as her or any one else. She's not even here anymore and I know I will cry and I know I'll die a little bit more inside. My thought patterns have changed since I met her and now they are back to where they were before she entered my life.

I cant go to the same places as her cause I know she won't be there. I know because I'm the reason that she cant. She counted on me and I let her down just like I did with everyone else that I supposedly loved for dear life.

I chased her without meaning to get caught up in my feeling cause I knew she had a boyfriend, and yet I went after her knowing deep down that it would come to bite me in the ass later, big fucking surprise when it did though. She eventually moved away but not without telling me that was in love with me. I cant take the thought that now as she is about to forever step out of my life, she confesses her true love for this fuck up.

_If you love me, then let go of me_

_I won't be held down by who I use to be_

_she's nothing to me_

She deserves so much better but she wanted me, she was also leaving and there isn't a damn thing I could do. I 'm back into my constant state of depression, seeing my counselor who no doubt hates me too. Over dosing on god knows what is left in the medicine cabinet. Wishing that I'll just die already, my soul is gone and with out it I'm just an empty shell.

_Feels like the weight of the world_

_Like all my screaming has gone unheard_

_And oh, I know you don't believe in me_

_Safe in the dark, how can you see?_

But no matter how hard I try I cant die. Something keeps stopping me, and that's the thought the one fucking shred of hope that maybe one day I'll see her and she would still love me, but that stops today.

_Free fall, free fall, all through life_

I took a whole bottle of aspirin, chugged it down with a bottle of JD, just now I'm starting to feel it's effects. I'm holding a picture of us, one that showed that we were happy, of course I would come to screw it up. Everything is starting to go black, I can feel a deep sleep coming. Sorry Spencer I wasn't strong enough, guess I wasn't as invincible as we both wished I was.

_If you love me, then let go of me_

_I won't be held down by who I use to be_

(a/n) Reviews I guess aren't necessary but I guess they really couldn't hurt either. I was planning on turning this into a longer story sooner or later and I guess I wanted to know if anyone would read it. Damn writing insecurities


	2. Meet & Greet

**A/N: I finally decided to continue with this story, yes I know I barely update my other ones anymore but with every step closer to Summer, I will quite often really. I never thought that I would base a story on my life but here it is. If it bothers you then don't bother reading. Naturally I'm going to bring things that happened in the show just to connect characters and you'll be able to tell or at least I hope so. Well review if you want and I highly advise it even if you want to bitch at me just as long as its creative criticism I can take it.**

**Meet & Greet**

Chapter 1

The vague sound of sirens in the background bring me a sudden urge to move from my current position on the floor, I know that I can't. I cant help but wonder why there are paramedics in my living room no one was suppose to be home. Shit, Aiden must have found me after the call I gave him earlier. I couldn't help but say goodbye to him though, after all the things that we have been through I know that he deserved to hear one last message from me. I didn't bother with Spencer though, we hadn't quite left on good terms previously and I'm sorry for that. I hope she's happy with out me, but at the same time I dread that she could be. Its not like I wish my misery on her because I'm sure that she doesn't feel all that well either, I hurt her, bad.

---------

I'm still in a daze, according to the doctors who so kindly pumped my stomach I would be for a while. I'm not a fan of that horrid tasting coal elixir that they insisted on pouring down my throat either. Note to self, over dosing not a great idea if you survive through it. Hospital rooms freaked me out before, but even more now that a elderly nurse strolls by every few minutes if she isn't just sitting next to my bed. Suicide watch, according to them I need to be under surveillance, to be honest I agree.

---------

Early morning sun intensified through the pane of safety glass in my room hits it mark, my eyes. I jump startled by the fact that I had fallen asleep without realizing that I had done so, it takes only a moment to readjust my eyes to this "glorious" morning's beams. I shouldn't complain but I do anyway, that is one particular difference between me and the rest of the world at this current moment, I still don't appreciate the life before me. I know how horrible that sounds but it's the honest to God truth for once. Telling the truth is something that is definitely not my forte but at least I'm trying now. The reason behind my efforts, two words, Spencer Carlin.

One day I'll make this all up to her, I'm damn well sure of it. My mind is set and I'm determined to complete this one not so simple task. I can only hope that the doctors will let me go with a "slap on the wrist". I don't see the point in staying longer that needed, I'm awake, aware of my previous mistake, and most of all do they really want to deal with me? Surprising that Spencer did for as long as she had, she has more "balls" than I give her credit for.

A sharp knocking noise at the door pulls me out of my thoughts, in walks a man at least in his thirties with a stress induced wrinkled face. He is holding out a clipboard and reciting the whole "we want to make sure you're safe" routine that I know all to well. He sits on the edge of my bed, narrows his eyes, tilts his head slightly then precedes to tell me that in his experience I'm not stable to go home just yet. I sigh out a slight "fuck" which doesn't go unnoticed by Dr. What's his face.

He told me that my mom brought over a suitcase filled with clothing so that all I would need to do is walk over to the inpatient part of the hospital. I asked if there were any forms that needed to be signed, hoping my mom was to drunk to realize it and not sign. This hope just like everything else these past three days was shot down when he told me that she already took care of everything. The one time she chooses to notice me and its when she agrees to have me hospitalized, love you too mother dearest.

---------

Dragging my feet across the cold floor I get dressed in their crappy hospital scrubs. According to them I can't wear my own clothing for the first twenty four hours which I'll still be under suicide watch. Great, not only do I have to wear their scrubs they have to be a royal purple. Besides being three sizes to big, I feel like a pregnant Barney. I enter my own private room which I'm grateful for and walk around to get a feel for it, a nice little hospital bed but not the new ones with the wires cause yeah I'm going to choke myself. I look around the room hoping to find something I could injure myself with not to actually do it but out of boredom and the fact that it would ruin the whole "safe" environment feel that they try to give.

I take notice of the three large metal knobs sticking out of the wall, the sharp metal edges on the bed frame, the long towels provided for showering purposes, and the not so stable mirror in the bathroom. I laugh slightly on the inside more out of denial I think, so surreal that only a week before I was "okay" and now I'm in a hospital. Nothing works out the way you think it would. I lay on the board they call a bed and stare at the ceiling for the moment being, a gentle knock on my door alerts me of the presence of another.

"Hey there girlie, I'm Debbie and I'll be asking you a few questions for our records" She says this all the while managing a subtle smirk, great they have a fake cheery staff.

"Sure, I have the time don't I?" I know I'm being rude but I don't really want to be here.

She looks at me up and down, shrugs her shoulders and continues "Well miss Davies do you want to ask me any questions before I start your assessment?"

I think for a moment, come up with nothing, and just nod my head side to side. "No"

"Well then, lets get started shall we?" Here we go a nice talk about my shitty life this far.

The talk lasts a good two hours and ends with me in tears, it feels good to cry though and it helps that she is a complete stranger who I'll never meet again. Even though I was a little stand-offish to her a little while ago I think that she thinks well of me. She's not that bad after all, just cant judge everyone on your false perceptions I guess. Before she leaves she tell me that another nurse would stop by to draw blood. Lovely, not even here a full twenty four hours and they are sticking me with needles. I'm half expecting a straight jacket to pop out of nowhere and wrap me up, or something to strap me to the bed. I'm paranoid I swear, I have that privilege though, right?

Hours drag on and the bright green wall still holds no interest to me, staring at it for hours I would have thought that I would grow attached, ha, guess not. I look around the room and notice a small hole in the wall, I peek through and notice another one of the patient's room. This should be interesting. Before I can investigate any further another knock ruptures my silence. I can get use to this, people actually knocking before coming in. I say "come in" in a somewhat decent tone and in walks another one of the staff.

"Hey, I'm Lisa and you must be Ashley" she says so happily and literally jumps from foot to foot.

I sit myself straight and reply and simple yes, making sure I look as innocent as I can.

"Well it's almost time for lunch and I would like you to meet your fellow patients in the other room" Great, a bunch of crazy fucked up kids. They are so going to kill me.

"Uhh sure" Wonderful response on my part, it would be nice for my brain to kick in about now.

"That's the spirit, now follow me and don't worry they are really a sweet bunch of kids." I so highly doubt that.

I leave my room and take a better look around the place reading the walls, "Welcome to Providence Hospital's Discovery Ward", What a shitty name for a place I swear, of course that is until I see the other signs "Mental Health Unit West". I ask Lisa why it says West and she says there is another unit across from here that is, wait for it, East. I nod my head not really paying attention and continue down the hallway. We reach what she refers to the common area, there are eight other kids there. They all look pretty normal on the outside, wonder what's ticking in their minds though.

"Hey guys, this is Ashley how about making her feel welcome" I can visibly see them all groan, yeah cause they are just so much more perfect than me. I don't see them talking anytime soon and Lisa is starting to walk away, perfect, more awkward moments.

"Don't worry we don't bite, hard" This comes from a girl who has been staring at me the past two minutes.

"Yeah, sure" I reply simply with no real intentions of continuing this conversation.

"By the way, I'm Caylene" she gives me a smirk, looks me up and down before leaving me standing here like an idiot.

"Well, might as well come and join us huh?" I turn to see where the voice came from and I'm met but some blonde curly haired boy about my age.

"Yeah, we'll introduce ourselves, I'm Amy, and that moron you just talked to is Kirill." At least now they are being a little less hostel.

"I'm Gloria, this is Brendon, Aubrey, and Sharmayne" If her name wasn't Gloria I would have thought she was a guy, and that little rainbow wrist band is screaming gay, they seem to get along well, maybe they would accept me too.

I look and notice someone else in "purples", that's how they refer to it. They turn around tell me she's new too so that I don't really have to worry much about feeling weird and her name is Raelene. What the hell kind of names are these, oh well?

I sit and we all start talking, mainly they are telling me all the things we can and cant do, and then comes why they are there.

Kirill : Excessive drug use, mainly pot.

Sharmayne: Risky behavior, sex addict

Caylene: Suicide attempt, cutter

Aubrey: Risky behavior, drug use

Amy: Depression, suicide attempt

Raelene: Risky Behavior, sex addict

Gloria: Suicide attempt, cutter

Brendon: Risky behavior

I ask what "risky behavior" is suppose to signify besides the obvious riskiness. According to them it was running away from home, late night parties, stealing cars, getting drunk, having pre-marital sex and stuff like that. Well there goes one of my reasons for being here but not an important one.

Its my turn and I don't have any "fancy words" so I just tell them about overdosing, they nod their head in unison and we switch topics. After a pretty decent talk I realize that they arent weird or insane, they just were in over their heads a bit. The lunch cart comes up and we go for our food, as they explained to me earlier this is a locked facility, meaning we barely will leave unless we are accompanied by one or two of the therapists and that is only on the hospital grounds.

I sit and quietly eat my food before that Kirill kid comes over to me and sits accross the table, why do I have a feeling that I should specify that I don't swing that way?

"So, um, do you have a boyfriend? You know out in the real world?" Poor kid, going to have to let him down gently.

"No, just an ex girlfriend" Okay I know not to subtle but at least it was said nicely.

At this point he just nods his head like he's use to it or something, I turn my head and see half the girls stare at me, great homophobes or something.

"Well what are you all gawking at?" I said that a bit harshly, but hey they were.

"Oh nothing, I'm lesbian too" Gloria, I knew that already.

"Yeah, and I'm bisexual" Amy, didn't expect that one but hey there aren't any rules.

"I'm bisexual too" Caylene, ha, I almost saw that one coming.

"Well aren't we all one happy queer-ish family" I said half laughing.

They all laugh and then just continue on with the meal, we finished up and since it was Friday we got to watch a movie, Miss Congeniality 2. The movie, sucks, plain and simple but at least it wasn't one of the treatment videos that they were telling me about or rather warning about.

This place isn't half as bad as I thought it would be, I still miss Spencer though but I guess I should get help for myself before I can be there for her. I hope Aiden broke the news gently, I said to him if he said I overdosed I would cut his balls off and throw them to rabid wolves.

Only a few more hours until I get out of this pathetic Barney get-up and I'm damn glad too.

**A/N: A little more in-depth Ashley story, but Spencer will come in cause there is no Ashley with out Spencer.**


	3. Group Therapy

**Disclaimer:** Yadda yadda...ya...don't own...never will...wish I did...Aiden would be gay... so on and so forth.

**A/N :** The whole "wonderful" hospital experience, all mine. Latter when she gets out its all made up. _Italics _are thoughts.

**Group Therapy**

Chapter 2

"GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!!!! TIME TO GET UP!!!!" Holy fucking hell, what was that??

"Ommphh" I'm incapable of proper human functions, can you tell?

"Come on Ashley, its time for breakfast. Everyone is already up, has anyone told you that you sleep like a rock?" Sleeping like a rock, WOW never heard that before, jeeze even in my thoughts sarcasm drips thickly.

I walk out of my room after that over caffeinated nurse stopped screaming. I drag my sleepy ass to the table, before completing my so called trek this "fine" morning I grab my tray off of the cart. MMM...cereal, "fresh" fruit, and milk. I shouldn't complain I chose this meal yesterday, so basically I'm to blame for the shitty meal. I sit next to Amy and Caylene and listen to their stories, nodding my head pretending I care about their crazy ex's.

----------------------------

"...And then while I was talking to this like ubber hot guy she just walked up behind me grabbed my boobs and said, she's mine bitch..." Huh...ha ha, here I thought I had fucked up relationships, looks like Amy wins that one.

"Well I use to go to the bathroom like ALL the time, with her. The teachers would pass by and hear the stalls moving..." Here I thought that I was pretty driven by my hormones.

----------------------------

"Well come on guys its that special time again, MORNING GROUP!!!!" That's it, obviously we are not the only ones in here with the happy pills, especially this one not sure of her name but what the hell does it really matter?

"Who would like to explain what this is about to Ashley?... Caylene! I knew you'd volunteer." Nice to know I'm so loved here already, heh.

"Well, first we sit in a circle around the table, say our names, say three feelings, set a goal, and last but not least we answer the day's insightful question." How did I know this would be pathetic?

Everyone starts going and I'm halfway paying attention, the minutes pass by excruciatingly slow. Before I realize it BAM, its my turn.

"I'm Ashley"

"Hey Ashley" everyone replies in unison ...cheesy!

"I'm feeling tired, sleepy, and bored."

"Come on now you can come up with something better than that!" Stupid sonofabitch therapist

"Okay then I feel fine, content, and sad" HAPPY?!?!

They let me go with that and after a couple more people we left the room. I wanted to go back to my room and just go to bed, this one wish though was not nearly close to being true. There was a ten minute break and then BOOM another group session. These people here are really into the whole "heal as a group" thing, I survive by some miracle. One of the therapists by the name of Deseree comes over to me and we start a conversation on my life, people seem to like hearing about me quite often.

"Time for the goodbye group" Woah these fucking voices need to stop coming from nowhere, and what is a goodbye group?

I soon find out that its just their way of sending off people back into their shit hole lives. Gloria is leaving, never got to really get to know her but I had to say something nice.

"Well I'll miss the fact the I never got to really know you, I hope you never come back here cause, yeah. And my advice to you is that you stay away from any potentially dangerous objects." There, sweet, simple, and almost to the point.

The day that had originally dragged father than necessary was now going at an easy pace. The groups were no longer killing me, as a matter of fact they were quite interesting. There was one in particular that they called School, which was more like cheap arts and crafts. The teacher was Ms. Linda, she was an elderly black woman who claimed that she was a chicken in her past life. Her comment was soon challenged when I stated I was Colonel Sanders, I know can be a smart ass sometimes.

It was nearing Ten PM and in other words our curfew/bedtime. All of a sudden another girl walks in and is introduced as Jana. Holy shit they weren't kidding when they said this place fills up fast. She's Puerto Rican, want to know how I know this? She hasn't shut up about it, so fucking vain. Anyway the topic gets to sexuality. Why does everyone love this one question?

------------------------------

"Well I'm straight, nothing could ever change that" Oh how I highly doubt that

I reply with "I'm straight as a rainbow" corny I know but it gets the point across or so I thought

"So you have a boyfriend?" RETARD

"No, I have an ex girlfriend though" there we go, cant get anymore blunt

"So are you bisexual or something?" wow, she is stupid

"Lesbian, dyke, lesbo, queer, gay, carpet muncher!! Get my point yet?" HA!!

-------------------------------

She grew quiet and I thanked God for making her shut up. As it turned out she really didn't care and found it more interesting to make out with girls. What's with the whole wannabe thing, or Bi curious, whatever they wish to call it.

Ten struck and off to "bed" I am, they said we didn't really have to sleep but at least be in our rooms, I don't know though I might actually hit the sack.

-------------------------------

_You know you want to, just swallow one more, better yet that razor looks so much more tempting. _SHUT UP I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU! _But looks like you still do, I know you care about my opinion, well OUR opinion, you cant deny that we coexist in this mind of yours, nothing can ever stop me from telling you what you NEED to do._

-------------------------------

I fucking hate the quiet, no noise and my mind comes out to play. This is why I love and need my music, well that and Spencer. She depended on me for so much and I let her down, how could I have done that? I love her too much and yet I do little retarded things my inner voice tells me to, submissive, the last thing that I thought I would ever be. Some times I wish I could go back before everything got so complicated, before her mom disowned her, before Madison gave her shit at school, I guess before we ever met. Its because I love her that I need to let her go, like that Evanescence song.

--------------------------------

...If you love me, then let go of me...

--------------------------------

Lights are out, and everything is quiet soon I start to feel myself going away slowly into the sleep that I know I need. I have a bad feeling that my dreams won't be as pleasant as I hope.

A/N: I was wondering which would be better, shorter frequent updates or longer updates that take forever. Care to answer?


	4. Strawberry Gashes

**Disclaimer: WE all know that I don't own a damn thing, no point in attempting to sue an innocent writer with no social life. I also don't own the lyrics used.**

**A/N:** **Well I'll just try to post on a weekly basis, heh yeah that's gonna work. And since everyone just wants to hurry up and get Spencer in...guess who finally gets a say in here??**

**Warning: Talk of some sexualy natured stuff, blah, dont like it? Quit bitching and leave. Also some mention of cutting.**

**Strawberry Gashes**

Chapter 3

A whole 3 days have passed since the arrival of Satin, heh I mean Jana, and well we all still want to kill ourselves but now for different reasons. Sadly Sharmayne leaves today, I'll miss her but I still cant help but wonder who will replace her. I'll fondly remember the stories she told us yesterday evening.

She needed to "piss like a Russian race horse" so she ran into her bathroom then jumped on the toilet to relieve herself, normal so far but here is where it gets better, she broke the seat! A minute after telling us this she runs into her room and comes out holding a cracked toilet seat. I fell out of my chair laughing but I had a right, it not everyday your ass brakes a seat.

------------------------

If that wasn't bad enough we had to hear her little joke, which went along the lines of this:

So a man is going away on a business trip and is afraid his wife will cheat cause she is just a "horny 'lil bitch", so he goes to a sex shop to buy her a dildo. He arrives in the store and cant tell the difference so he asks the shop keeper, the guy then pulls out an ancient looking box, blows the dust off of the top and tells the man that it was a very magical one. The business man looking very skeptical asks him why, the shopkeeper says well all you have to do is say voodoo dick and then what ever you want it to do it will do it.

So the shop keep says "voodoo dick door", a green thing pops up from the box and flies to the door and starts pounding the keyhole till the door explodes sending wood chips all over the place. The man then pays a thousand dollars for it and returns home to give it to his wife, after words he's off for his flight.

The woman getting "in the mood" considers calling a friend but then remember the "voodoo dick". She gets ready then says "Voodoo dick pussy", a few moments and climaxes later she decides that she has had enough, one problem she cant turn it off. She jumps in her car and starts driving/swerving around and before she knows it, BAM she crashed on the side of the road. A police man walked over to her and asked what was wrong and she said that there was a voodoo dick that wouldn't stop. He looked at her and laughed then said, "Voodoo dick my ass"

-----------------------

I couldn't stop laughing, well once I got the end part. She had to say it slowly before I realized what the cop said. You see I'm the type of person to laugh three times at a joke, once when I hear it, second when they explain it, and third five minutes later when I really do get it. The night went on in the same fashion but then came to a halt once ten o'clock hit. We all gave her a hug knowing that she would leave in the middle of the night, meaning the new person would meet us in the morning. God I hope its not someone I know, last thing I need is them telling Spencer when they get out, "Hey Spence your ex is in the nuthouse", okay, okay I know that its not really a nuthouse but hey who cares if I stretch the truth.

-----------------------

I wake up to get my morning vital signs, something that I just recently found out about. At precisely seven AM they would "nicely enter" into our rooms holding thermometers, blood pressure cuffs and any medication we are taking, if any.

After silently whispering curses at the morning idiot for screwing up the blood pressure shit, I go back to sleep, that is until I realize there is a new person. HA, yes new people. How pathetic am I? I nearly wet myself just cause there are new people coming.

I walk out of my room and look at the board that has all of our names with our nurses next to it, my jaw dropped, they moved Brendon to the other wing so instead of just one new person WE HAVE TWO!!

I quickly continue to scan the board, Heather, obviously new and then my heart stops, Spencer. Oh god I hope that this isn't the Spencer I know and love, please let this be some meat head football player Spencer. I am so fucked otherwise.

I know that there is no turning back now, I walk to the cart and pick up my tray. I've got to admit that the food is pretty good now, it just grows on you I guess. I sit down at the table and wait for everyone else to come since I'm the only one out here, or so I thought.

------------------

All of a sudden a girl sits next to me, I've got to admit that she is...well pretty, not as beautiful as Spencer but she's not losing by much.

"Hi I'm Heather" She say sweetly while extending her hand waiting for mine.

I grasp her hand while saying "Ashley Davies"

She looks at me dumbfounded then opens her mouth "Ashley Davies as in daughter of Raife Davies band member of Purple Venom???"

I give her a smirk then proceed to say "Well normally I just go by Ashley"

She gives me the 'well-no-fucking-duh' face then says "I'm a big fan of theirs, well duh who isn't? They are just so awesome and perfect and their sound is just great, and I mean it has to be awesome to know them and ...and ..."

I cut her off before she goes all 'oh my god' on me. "Yeah point taken"

She blushes like crazy and then says "Sorry I was babbling its just that I get over excited sometimes. Plus I heard his daughter was hot as hell and I must say you are."

OKAY my turn to blush "uh thanks?... Well yeah of course I am, I mean look at me" There we go Cocky Ash is back.

----------------------------

We continue talking for a while and she seems like a pretty cool person, a few minutes later more people start coming out and we all talk about random stuff. Heather had switched seats so that she was sitting directly next to me "accidentally" rubbing her knee on my thigh. I ignore it and we continue talking until Spencer walks in. SHIT, it is her, blonde hair, blue eyes, nice ass. She has a bandage wrapped around her left arm, fuck, I hope that wasn't my fault.

She took one look at me and left, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked keenly at me. I opened my mouth but no words could come out so I shut it. I saw a look in her eye, one that I had promised myself that I would never cause again. My just sitting here caused it, what is wrong with me?

I rose out of my chair and just walked back to my room saying I needed to use the bathroom. I entered and slumped myself against the cold tile and for the first time this week I cried.

---------------------------

I sat there for a good two minutes, my eyes no doubt red and puffy with running mascara smeared all over. I knew that morning group was fast approaching so I had to get to cleaning and moving. I was a little late coming to group and there was only one seat left, in between Heather and Spencer. I could tell that she had been crying too, that alone made me almost break down again, I knew that I couldn't though because I was in plain sight of everyone else. I took my seat, held my breath, and ignored the world for as long as I could.

Heather soon nudged me saying it was my turn, I took a deep breath and said everything that I could as fast as I could then shut back up to let Spencer take her turn. Her voice which normally was so sweet to hear was now cracking every other word, it was evident that she just wanted to cry. Group was soon over but they told Spencer to stay behind, probably cause she was close to tears over something.

I snuck into my room, turned on the radio, and laid in bed. I started to feel better after a while since Bubba Sparxxx came on with "Ms. New Booty", that song makes me laugh like a moron.

I soon left my room just in time to go to the next group, "Substance abuse & You". I look around and notice everyone just staring at me funny, I ask them what's up and they refuse to say a word. I look glumly at my feet and walk into the second group room filled with individual comfy chairs. Kind of like La-Z boys, they were nice and recently bought, I took a seat far in the corner and just lifted my legs to my chest and sat there. Soon Spencer walked in, minus the bandage, they said it had to breath in order to heal. There were so many cuts up and down her arm some deep and some not so much. It made me think of a song by Jack Off Jill, Strawberry gashes. I never would have thought that I would associate that song with my now ex girlfriend. I wanted so badly to say I was sorry and I think my eyes said it to her, she looked at me and mouthed "I'm fine".

-----------------------

_Turn her over  
A candle is lit, I see through her  
Blow it out and save all her ashes for me_

_Curse me sold her  
The poison that runs it's course through her  
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over_

_Watch me fault her  
You're living like a disaster  
She said kill me faster  
with strawberry gashes all over_

_Called her over  
and asked her if she was improving  
She said "feels fine" it's wonderful, wonderful here_

_Hex me told her  
I dreamt of a devil that knew her  
Pale white skin with strawberry gashes all over all over_

_Watch me fault her  
You're living like a disaster  
She said kill me faster  
with strawberry gashes all over all over_

_I lay quiet  
waiting for her voice to say  
"Some things you lose and some things you just give away"_

_Scold me failed her  
If only I'd held on tighter to her  
Pale white skin that twisted and withered away from me away from me_

_Watch me lose her  
It's almost like losing myself  
Give her my soul  
and let them take somebody else get away from me  
Watch me fault her  
You're living like a disaster  
She said kill me faster  
with strawberry gashes all over all over me_

**A/ N:** **I don't know how I feel about switching POV's right now but if anyone cares to know something from Spencer's then I can always write one.**


	5. I Could Die of Wanting

**Disclaimer: WE all know that I don't own a damn thing, no point in attempting to sue an innocent writer with no social life. We should also know that I don't own the lyrics used, that would belong to Evanescence and Lacuna Coil. **

**A/N: I changed Spencer just a wee bit, a little more out spoken, a little more bitchy, a little more...Ashley like.**

**Warning:** ******Some potentially uncomfortable references to cutting, and so on and so forth **

** I Could Die of Wanting**

Chapter 4

She doesn't even look at me anymore, the last words she spoke to me besides I'm fine was go to hell. I deserved that I know I did but I still cant help but be angry since she wont let me explain myself. After all the things that we've been through in this year alone, we have overcame so much and she makes it seem so little, so pointless.

I rise off of my bed look outside my fancy safety glass clad window. I have to admit the view is beautiful, from my window I can see trees, cars, and a helicopter pad. Sure when it takes off and my window shakes it bothers the hell out of me but at least it's a cheap form of entertainment since there isn't anything else that I can do. I look around my room and realize how dark I've made it, I had just closed the blinds so that little to no light could shine through, the pale green of the walls didn't help either. I drew in a reasonable long breath and exhaled with little effort, while my eyes where shut all these images of Spencer's arms flooded my mind. I need to get out of this room but cant until they call for good ol group time.

As soon as that thought had fully left my mind I saw her, Spencer was at my door telling me that it was group time. I nearly fell out of the chair I was leaning back in just trying to hurry so that maybe I could walk down with her, I failed of course. Will God ever just give me a chance here? Hey up there come on now! I dragged my feet against the hideous excuse for green carpeting successfully giving my self carpet burn, since they don't like you to wear shoes unless you're going out side, So thin socks it is.

Upon entering the room I quickly curse the fact that there are only ten chairs, nine for the patients and one for the therapist. Guess where the only seat was available? If you guessed between the girl who's crushing on me and the love of my life congrats you are reading my mind. When I asked God for a chance this isn't quite what I meant. I plopped down uncomfortably in between the two, never making eye contact with either because that floor is just so damn interesting right now. After feeling three sets of eyes burning a hole in my flesh I looked up to see who was the third, Yohance, he was some buff looking black guy who also happened to be the therapist for this 45 minute increment. I audibly sighed and lifted my head full so that I could "listen" to what was going on.

Group ended and big surprise I was told to stay behind, I sat down in the spot where Spencer was, her seat was still warm. At the risk of sounding over obsessed I enjoyed the fact that she just sat here, maybe because it's as close as I'll get for a while. Anyways back to the point, I was held back because there was "something wrong with me", why thank you captain obvious! Any other stupendous discoveries?

We had a little chat on my situation and with that he thought it would be best to move Spencer to the other wing, sensing that secretly I didn't want that he said it was just a thought and then decided to change the subject. I don't know what I would do if she got moved, sure I know that she pretty much hates me right now and that it would be her pleasure to move, but deep down when she looks at me I still see love.

By the time I had left it was time for dinner and I took a seat by my self which was pretty hard considering the lack of space. Heather looked over at me somewhat disappointed by my decision since there was a seat next to her, I don't think she really gets the hint, pity. Upon my eyes darting over in her direction, Spencer got up and moved. What she did next surprised me, she had decided to sit with me, setting her tray down next to mine she looked me in the eye some sort of hurting evident and said the four words that I longed to hear from her for so long, I still love you.

"I'm so sorry" Please tell me that I didn't just say that out loud...

She looked up at me, corner of her mouth twitching slightly... "For what Ash?"

"This, your arm, what happened, my being a stupid ass" Not everything that I want to say but it's a start.

"Are you so vain that you think my arm is your fault? Who am I kidding of course you are!" She yelled the last sentence and it stung like venom.

"Well why don't you tell me then!" I shouldn't yell at her, everyone is looking at us weirdly. My fault though since I never told them about Spence and me.

No response eh? That's what I thought.. "So what if it is"...well maybe the truth hurts more than the lie. Now that I really know it's my fault that she cut herself I won't be able to sleep tonight, who am I kidding I never could without her.

"Ash, are you okay?" Great when did Heather join my conversation?

"Fine" Now get the hint and back off

"Are you sure?" Really do you need to keep talking?

"Yeah, but if you don't mind I'm in the middle of an awkward conversation with my ex" Did I just let that slip? I need to start thinking before I say all my thoughts out loud.

"Ex?...as in person you dated?...as in that Spencer chick?...THAT girl?..." Now I have to wonder if the poor girl is retarded

"Yes...why do you care?" I'm not being a bitch, I'm not being a bitch

"Well, um in that case when we eventually get out of here you uhh think you might want to go out some time?" I knew she liked me already but does she really think I would give up my Spence?

"Uh I don't really know" I'm letting her down as nicely as I can cause it would be weird to be here everyday with another person who hates me.

I then tell her that I'm still in love with someone else who won't even give me the time of day, but I cant get enough of them nonetheless, by the end of my short opening of the heart sequence I had never lost eye contact with Spence. I know I could die of wanting this girl and I would die with a smile if she wanted me back. My eyes dropped down to her arm where she was absent mindedly rubbing the scars on her arm. My chest hurt, there was a sharp pain and before I knew what had happened I dropped to the floor.

--------------------- Begin Spencer's POV

_I don't know what to do  
no guilt is in my heart  
I don't know what to do  
I'm not the reason  
_

I know that I should feel something but feeling numb for so long has its long lasting effects on you. Ashley after pouring out some valuable information to me passed out, I know I still love that pile of endless problems as I sometimes call her in my mind, but right now we need to help ourselves. The first week I was here I had a long heart to heart with one of the many therapists and they told me that its okay to love her still, you just cant stop that kind of feeling, but they also said that I need to focus on me while I'm here.

I'm so confused though, I just don't know what to do. Even though I know I love her I cant help but fear sometimes that she is just going to lie to me again. She caused me so much pain, she hurt me so bad. How can I forgive her? I almost want her to suffer more than I did, Aiden told me that she suffered enough but wouldn't go into details. I just...I dont really know but I know that I'm pretty pissed at her right now. I swear that it feels like she just wants bring me down with her, and that is driving me insane. With that in mind I'm still tempted by her. Then a song randomly starts playing in my mind, Evanescence, interesting time to pop up.

------------------------------

_It's true, we're all a little insane  
but its so clear  
now that I'm unchained _

fear is only in our minds  
taking over all the time  
fear is only in our minds but its taking over all the time  
you poor sweet innocent thing  
dry your eyes and testify  
you know you live to break me- don't deny  
sweet sacrifice

One day I'm gonna forget your name  
and one sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain

fear is only in our minds  
taking over all the time  
fear is only in our minds but its taking over all the time

you poor sweet innocent thing  
dry your eyes and testify  
and oh you love to hate me don't you, honey?  
I'm your sacrifice.

I dream in darkness  
I sleep to die  
erase the silence  
erase my life  
our burning ashes  
blacken the day  
a world of nothingness  
blow me away

do you wonder why you hate?  
are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?

you poor sweet innocent thing  
dry your eyes and testify  
you know you live to break me- don't deny  
sweet sacrifice

------------------------------- End Spencer's POV

Once again I'm straining because these piece of shit doctors don't remember to dim the lights. Speaking of piece of shit that's how I feel just about now, uhg what the hell happened? All I remember was talking to Spence, my chest hurting, and something about a ...floor, that's right I must have passed out.

Some old guy walks in and tells me that it was stress induced, fan-fucking-tastic. I've been stressed a lot lately though, partially on Spencer's part but, no, I know I blocked that out of my mind. After years of blacking that out it just cant come back can it? All those times...just...replaying in my mind. Those things he made me do, the promises he made me keep, the secrets no body knows. That can't be it, can it?

_It's okay Ashley, your mom does this for me all the time_

But **I **didn't want to

_You're such a good girl, I bet you want to play a game._

I never wanted to, you forced me bastard.

**A/N:** **You should um leave a review cause they make me feel all fuzzy on the inside...**


	6. Reminisce

**Disclaimer: WE all know that I don't own a damn thing, no point in attempting to sue an innocent writer with no social life. **

**A/N: Hey I'm still alive and guess what? Another chapter!**

**WARNING: I couldn't help but write something a little ...racy, yes that's right there are some mature themes as always, cause I'm the author and what I say goes. **

**A couple of perverted bunnies fornicated in my mind and left their creation in here near the end in case you feel like leaving before then.**

**Reminisce **

Chapter 5

Spencer hasn't said much in this past week, it worries me. I was told that since this is a short term thing that on average we would be out in a couple of weeks tops. Well Kirill is still here poor guy, I think he's on his thirtieth day. Anyway Spence and me have been here for more than a couple weeks too but not as much as him. When its time for a meal or a group session where she has no real choice but to talk its usually along the lines of her not wanting to be there. I miss the girl she use to be, but I'm at fault for killing that side of her.

As for my crazy fan, better known as Heather she is still here. I think that she is trying to be friends with Spencer just to get in my good graces but no matter what she does there is no way that I'll let my Spence go.

That wonderful moment of the day starts soon and I know that I better get in there first so that I can choose a seat before I'm rammed into a wall or worse. I walk in still eating a banana I grabbed during our snack time. I thanked God that this was the last group of the day, I also cursed him because afterwards it would be lights out. Heather and Spencer walk in soon after me also eating their respective fruits, I groan internally as they choose seats near me for some reason.

Well Heather I understand but Spencer? She hates me right now, what reason could she possibly have for intending to sit next to me? I ignore it knowing full well that it would only cause me a major head ache. The room suddenly fills and we are just waiting on the therapist to enter, when Heather yells over to Kirill to throw her peal away, being the lazy guy that he is, ha says no. After another minute of her begging I get out of my chair and grab the damn peal and head for the garbage can.

I hear something being said by her as I leave the room but I don't catch it, upon entering the room I find Spencer had taken my seat. I shrugged and took hers, she looked up at me for a brief second before darting her attention to the puke green carpeting. I sigh, not intending to be heard but Spencer catches me and makes another cheap attempt at eye contact, I hold it for all its worth.

"All right kiddies, after much of your bitching about how you cant sleep at night we shall have a relaxation group" The voice belonged to Sarah, one of my favorite therapists. She reminds me of Ellen when she played Dori in Finding Nemo. She even looks like the stupidly funny little fish.

I think I enjoyed the thought of a relaxation group, couldn't be to bad could it? She let some of us lay on the floor so that we could stretch out, most wanted to lay in the chairs though. I chose a comfortable looking piece of carpet and flattened myself out. She turned off the lights, only leaving the hallway light on. I closed my eyes as she had instructed and suddenly felt someone grab my hand, I opened my eyes and saw Spencer next to me. I think she could hear my heart beating since I could, quite clearly in my head actually.

I interlocked out fingers hoping no one would catch us, I was pleased that no one did. Before long a classical tune was being played at a low volume from the room's cd player, she told us to try to imagine a happy place. How specific of her, I racked my brains and settled on the day I allegedly kidnaped Spencer. Driving out on the open road, her stopping cause she drank to much and couldn't hold it, but the clearest was the motel room. I mentally grinned at the memory, so many good things fit into a few mere hours.

-----------------------------------------------------------

_Upon entering the room we found a large mirror lining the wall, from the look on her face I could tell the same thought just crossed her mind, I subconsciously bit my lip. I let her walk ahead of me, claiming that I had forgotten something in the car, reality was I enjoyed the view she provided . _

_I laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling thinking of ways that I could "cool" off, it didn't help when she mentioned that she was in a dire need of a shower, not only that but perhaps a companion. I was obviously more than happy to oblige, naturally I tried to play it off and pretended that I didn't want to, seeing the pout that I knew was inevitable I ran into the bathroom. _

_Quickly shutting and locking the door that was now behind me I gently shoved her into a nearby wall. Placing one hand on the wall and the other on her hip I was able to keep her from moving, not that she would anyway. In my most husky voice I whispered "don't you think it's a little hot in here?", getting the desired response I removed the thin barriers between our skin. I ran my hand over her stomach, feeling all the little hairs rise at the contact, I smiled smugly. I started to slowly close the gap between our lips but as I neared my destination I thought to tease her, mere centimeters from her lips I blew out another whisper "follow me", with that I backed off, removed any left over articles of clothing, and stepped into the shower that she had left running the entire time._

_Letting the lukewarm water touch my skin I exhaled a breath that I didn't realize I was holding, still waiting on the love of my life to join me I began to wash myself, in the middle of scrubbing my lower back I feel a sudden gust of cold air. Before I turn my head I hear music softly playing in the background, no wonder she took so long, always the romantic, that's why I love her so much._

_She leaned into my body pressing herself into my lower back and slyly letting her hands wonder over the front portion, stopping just above my navel. I held back the moan that was threatening to escape my throat, a little game we have, the first to moan loses. The punishment is quite fun but I'm going to prove to her that it's I that is in control. Quickly turning so that our breasts touch, I hold her by the waist lifting her higher using my hand as support. "OHHHH" , she moans out, I love having this control over her._

_I give her my best smile, a look of realization strikes her as she says that it doesn't count this time, I continue to smile but give in to her knowing that I can't help it. Our shower finishes but we don't, dragging her into the room and tossing her onto the bed was well worth the evil look she gives me as the cold air hits her. The heat rising from below me was enough to drive my attention else where, hence my being un affected by the sudden drop in temperature. Still lying on the bed I move in leaving lingering kisses along her thighs, stomach, breasts, neck, and jaw line. All the while I have my fingers running lazy circles dangerously close to her center, I move to kiss her letting my tongue glide in since she opened it so willingly. As I'm drawing back I make sure to take her bottom lip with me, tugging on it ever so slightly._

_I raise my eyes up and remember the mirror, a smile immediately pulling at the corner of my mouth. I raise her once withering body and place her before me, I turn her so that she faces the mirror. From behind I run my hands on her abdomen, I watch her eyes in the mirror following my hand travel farther south, just a little south of nowhere. I dip my hand in between her legs, enjoying how suddenly her eyes shut, catching her off guard. On instinct her body tightens only driving me further. _

_I bite on her earlobe, letting my hot and heavy breath enter her ear. Her eyes open revealing a new sense of passion burning, it makes me remember my own need to be paid attention to. As if she read my mind, I'm soon straddled. I lay my head back and watch the mirror, a grin just plastered on her face. I smile knowing full well that I love her and she is no doubt going to make my heart stop._

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm slowly being shook, and it hits me, I must have fallen asleep. I turn to see who it is and it's Spencer, the therapist had to get something and most of the other patients already left the room to go to bed, but she stayed, why? From the flushed look on her face I giggled figuring out that we might have just thought of the same thing.

She gave me a funny look while tilting her head, I don't know what spurred this sudden interest in me again but I cant say that I'm not enjoying it. After all don't we all want to be appreciated?

I get up off of the floor and tell Spencer good night and that I'll see her in the morning. She gives me a sort of mischievous grin and then asks what was I thinking about, I don't answer her but reply that after it I'm going to need a cold shower. She laughs warm heatedly and replies "don't you dare mention showering right now". There was my proof, great minds think alike.

I walk into my room and jump on the bed fully preparing for my night of rest. I close my eyes and imagine that day again, I'm about to drift off when I hear something coming from the corner. I bring my attention to a shadowy figure that suddenly is standing uncomfortably close to me.

"Why hello there Ashley, miss me?"

No fucking way! What is he doing here? How did he get in? Who the hell let him out of jail?

All questions that won't be answered as I'm struck across the head with some sort of blunt object.


	7. Unleashed Memories

**Disclaimer: WE all know that I don't own a damn thing, no point in attempting to sue an innocent writer with no social life. **

**A/N: Uhhgg, terribly sorry about how long it took me to upload this. I celebrated becoming a year older a few days ago and well, I still have a headache. I know it's a horrible excuse and I should be hit upside the head, but I hope you can overlook my stupidity and read on.**

**Also _italics_ are memories/lyrics, okie dokie? **

**WARNING: You finally get to know who the guy I was talking about in the last chapter was in case you haven't figured out. Also you may feel the urge to hit the computer out of disgust. Also I'm writing this at three in the morning so cut me some slack? Or not.**

**Unleashed Memories**

**Chapter 6**

_Why my sweet dear, Ashley. Aren't you glad to see me? I've been away for so long on tour with your father and this is the response I get from my favorite little girl? That saddens me, but you know what would make me feel so much better? Yes that's right, I want to play a game._

_Rules are simple as they always are, and remember that our fun stays between the two of us. You do a little something for me and in return how about a game of Monopoly, I hear that is your favorite game nowadays. Don't worry it's the same thing I do with your mom, isn't that special? She does it for me all the time and now you can too._

_It's quite okay Ashley, sometimes it can hurt. But that doesn't mean it won't get any better soon, well once you get use to it that is. Just like always, you can stare out the window if you so please._

----------------------------------

I have an excruciating headache, and I remember why. Staring down at my body I realize that I am indeed still dressed and I thank God for those little miracles, but at the same time I curse him knowing full well that people like Dave exist. He was one of my dad's best friends that would come along for his tours. Good ol Dave Johnson, "most innocent and wonderful man to grace the Earth", complete and utter bullshit. I was only four years old when it started, and it wouldn't end till I reached nine, sick bastard really liked 'em young. I use to look up to him and stare in wonder, I don't even recall how it all occurred but I'm damn sure about how it stopped.

-----------------------------------

_You know that wasn't very nice of you Ashley, I could easily tell your dad just how naughty you are being right now. He wouldn't like that very much would he? After all you're just a stupid little girl compared to the man that I am, HIS best friend and worthy of any attention he gives me. You on the other hand deserve absolutely nothing._

_I was going to play our game but you just couldn't take it could you? Can't handle a real man? How dare you kick me? I am your master, I'm in control and don't you dare forget it, you little bitch._

_Now then, let us get down to business. I'll stop "bothering" you as you claim I am, as long as our little secret stays what it is, a secret._

---------------------------------------

That night when he came into my room, my only being the tender age of nine, beat the shit out of him.

My bed was next to the wall near the door, meaning upon entering you could easily access my bed. Plugged into the wall was my angel night-light, she was beautiful, large detailed wings that soared, a golden halo resting upon her brow, and flowing locks of blonde, not to mention those crystalline blue eyes that made you think you were lost as sea. Her heavenly gown was also an impressive sight, last but not least a white light that was lucid, seemingly buring itself into our atmosphere.

He entered with a game in mind, I simply countered it with my own. When he sat on the side of my bed resting his god awful calloused hand on my forearm, I knew what I had to do. Quickly hitting him with my stuffed care bear so that he was thrown off, I turned to my left, yanking out my prized light. I saw the sparks fly from the brute force I used, it didn't even faze me. The pointed tips of the wings on her majestic body quickly became the source of his anguish. Slicing open his right cheek, tearing his eyebrow, and successfully making him feel a portion of the pain I had felt for so long, brought the most eerie grin onto my face.

I felt the blood splatter on me, and I couldn't have felt any better. The years from his sweet talking, detrimental, condescending, seemingly bi-polar ways slowly faded as the lie erased itself.

He took everything from me, my happy life, my mother, my pride, my virginity, and what I hate the most, my innocence. The only thing he gave me was years of therapy, medication, hospitalization, and the price was my mental health.

------------------------------------------------

The night he had reappeared in my hospital room brought back a waterfall of emotion. After he had hit me I expected him to do something drastic, he didn't though. I see now that it was all a ploy to diminish my will power. He had once had control of my body, but never my mind. The only uncharted territory left untouched my his hands.

Looking around my room I notice nothing out of the ordinary, I sigh realizing that maybe it was all a dream. Walking into my bathroom to splash some water on my face proves otherwise when I notice a large mound of bruised flesh peaking out from my hair. This day couldn't get any better for me if I tried, actually before I go and jinx myself it may be worth while to go and eat my breakfast.

Well that's not really the only reason, Spencer, hmm yes now that's a little more convincing.

After what happened yesterday I'm assuming we're on talking terms now.

I guess my only real concern now is how do I explain this damned mark on my head without staff thinking I "self harmed". Seriously, any stray marks that obviously don't belong there are automatically thought to have been brought on by myself, because simply no one else on this plant is capable of doing such things.

All there seemingly high-tech gadgets and gizmos, did nothing to stop Dave last night, hell I'm not even sure if they caught him on camera.

-------------------------------------------

**Three days later**---

"Ashley, come on don't act that way." Spencer was pissed, and she sure as hell made it very clear to me. I ignored her for one day, the next I barely acknowledge her or anyone else for that mater, and today, well lets not even go there.

"What do you want me to say? That I was lying? No mater what I tell the staff they wouldn't believe me, he was there that night. If I could prove it you now that I would, and anyway you know me well enough to be sure that I wouldn't lie about something like this." She's angering me, I know its not on purpose but what can I say? She knows just the right buttons to push, and she knows just how long or how hard to keep them down. I hate that, but at the same time I can't help but love it.

"I don't want you to do or say anything that isn't true, but I also want you to be completely sure before throwing something like that out there. What would they think? God, I don't even want to think about the things they may try to pull off." I can hear the genuine concern in her voice but right now this isn't what I need to hear and I know that she knows this.

I leave her alone, making sure that we will still be on talking terms for later. A quick reassuring hug that thankfully no one catches is how I show her, or at least attempt to.

-----------------------------------------

Laying on my bed, staring at the wall, and burning a hole into the wretched piece of green, I think. The lack of sound is oddly deafening, naturally I decide to turn on the radio. One of Saliva's song starts to play, Always. I like this one, it just hits home, how? Well I can't answer it completely without remembering everything that goes hand in hand with it.

------------------Begin Spencer's POV

Once again Ashley left me standing there, I have to wonder sometimes if she gets some sort of sick kick out of this. And damn me for sticking around for it. Walking into my room which was recently moved to be next to Ashley's, I planned on squeezing in a short little nap. Upon entering my room I hear faint music coming through the crack in my wall, hmm, Always by Saliva.

_I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind"  
It's telling me all these things  
That you would probably hide  
Am I, your one and only desire  
Am I the reason you breathe  
Or am I the reason you cry? _

_Always, always, always, always, always, always,  
I just can't live without you... _

I **love** you  
I **hate** you  
I can't get around you.  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you.  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you.

(Done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you, done with you)

I feel, like you don't want me around  
I guess I'll pack all my things  
I guess I'll see you around  
It's all, been bottled up until now  
As I walk out your door  
All I can hear is the sound

Always, always, always, always, always, always,  
I just can't live without you...

I **love** you  
I **hate** you  
I can't get around you.  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you.  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you.  
I** love** you  
I **hate** you  
I can't live without you.

I left my head around your heart,  
Why would you tear my world apart?

Always, always, always, always.

I see, the blood all over your hands  
Does it make you feel, more like a man  
Was it all, just a part of your plan  
The pistol's shakin' in my hands  
And all I hear is the sound.

I **love** you  
I **hate** you  
I can't live without you.  
I breathe you  
I taste you  
I can't live without you.  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I guess that I'm out the door  
And now I'm done with you.

----------------End Spencer's POV

_I **love** you  
I **hate** you  
I can't live without you.  
I **love** you  
I **hate** you  
I can't live without you.  
I just can't take anymore  
This life of solitude  
I pick myself off the floor,  
And now I'm done with you. _

Always  
Always

I love this song and hate how it makes me think of her, and all the times I've fucked up.

_Always._


	8. Poetry For The Heart?

**Disclaimer: WE all know that I don't own a damn thing, no point in attempting to sue an innocent writer with no social life or girlfriend, ah how pathetic. **

**A/N: News flash, I'm an ass for not uploading this earlier. Also the poem in here I wrote myself, so basically what I'm saying is, MINE ALL MINE MUH HA HA... **

**Not to worry, I'm going to try harder to get the chapters up faster.**

**WARNING: Less than five chapters left**

**Poetry For The Heart?**

**Chapter 6**

Time ticked on slowly, echoing in my head, I'm just dying to get out of this room. Don't get me wrong or anything I **LOVE** my alone time, but it doesn't hurt to interact with other people either. It's nearing evening meaning that it is quite dark outside, shutting the blinds and killing the lights probably didn't help much. All this just made me more depressed if that is possible, well at least Spencer is right next door.

WAIT ONE GODDAMN MINUTE!!!... Of course, stupid me, I can talk to her through the wall, well is she wants to talk back that is. Still don't know where we stand, if we stand at all.

--------------------------------

We're five minutes into out "self expression" group, codeword GAG ME, today's form of expression, poetry. Write whatever you feel, minus grotesque language mind you, as long as it has to do with love. Of course they pick this topic, how many of us know what it feels like, not many guessing that is the reason we're here. Our mommies and daddies didn't show us love like they should have. Well fuck them, and fuck this assignment.

"Oh Ashley, aren't you going to at least attempt writing? I hear you're quite the poetic one back home, not to mention very creative when it comes to lyrics." I can hear the agitated aspect in her normally content voice, Rachael, today's shrink for hire.

"But why bother when I can sit here and ponder about everyone else's so called work? Do you really want me to write a poem about love? Think about it closely now." I answer sardonically, disdain more than evident dripping off of my every word.

"Come on now, I know you just love to write, plus I don't think any body here has heard your writing before. What do you think everybody? Should Ms Davies give us all a run for our money with her poetry?"

One unanimous "Yes", I figured this much would have happened, might as well.

"Well you win, I'll write, but I won't be happy about it." Who am I kidding though, some peer respect would probably make me feel better.

"With that final note everyone, get your asses to work!" At least she's being honest, I suppose

It's ten minutes into the group and I only have my name on the paper not to mention Spencer's name with a bunch of little swirls around it, this would be erased later but maybe now it will help me write.

--------------------------------------------

Forever heartfelt sorrow

Inhabiting one's mind till it be marrow

Inner most despair

Trudging life, so unfair

Love depicted wrong

Playing it's disturbed song

Wishing for the pain to cease

To be engulfed in sweet release

Mind and soul set free

Heart forever locked by key

Our love outrageous

The lust equally contagious

Kisses, like sugar, sweet

Once parted lips meet

Touches burned with desire

Flames ignited higher

Hopes for one last chance

Past memories of that fatal dance

Left scorned in blind rage

Now, rabid animal in cage

Sliver of hope, you'd be back

Without a word, goodbye I lack

Hurt to the point of no return

Still I can't help but miss the burn

-----------------------------------------------

They make me read it aloud, I protest but soon give in to their semi reasonable demands. I subtly watch Spencer out of the corner of my eye, I have no doubt that she realizes this is about her. I still can't believe that shit I pulled at Prom, or what rather what Aiden did. I'm just glad that everything has worked out for the better now. I sat him down and told him I loved him, but it was in a platonic sense, and that my sister was available. After months of heart wrenching agony and just all out begging to be forgiven, he won back my sister. Of course I must partake some credit, poor boy still doesn't understand what's so special about Kelly Clarkson to her.

Personally I wish that day could be burned out of my memory but then again I also realize that it needed to happen. Our relationship needed a wake up call, and what a hell of a wake up call it was. It was only the first of many to come, and but of course they had to be my fault. It's a habit that I'm now aware of, like something? Fuck it up beyond all repair.

-----------------------------------------------------

Three in the afternoon, lying on my bed eyes staring a hole into the wall, this is what I call time well spent. I just finished a little talk with Spence via crack near window, she left me about two minutes ago to take a shower. I can hear the water running through the paper thin shit they call a barrier, I can also faintly hear the sound of her voice singing. She would kill me if I ever said it aloud, but she has the most beautiful voice. She could have easily been an Alto if she joined the choir like I wanted her to, ah but there is my mistake, it was what I wanted.

"Ash, you still there? Or did you manage to pass out on me again?" I must have been so caught up in my thoughts to not realize the water had shut off.

"I'm here, can't promise for how long though. I'm tired as hell and the next group isn't for another fucking hour"

"You never liked groups before, what's with the sudden change of heart?" So what if I don't like groups, socializing is socializing.

"Spence, this is ME we're talking about. Do you not remember my condition? Can't shut-up-itis"

I hear her laughing, this "condition" is one of those little quirks that she cleverly came up with for me, no doubt hearing it come from me is amusing.

"Can we be serious for a sec?" I'm not entirely sure if this is a good way to start a sentence after laughing so whole heartedly.

"Uh sure, what's on your mind?"

"It's about that poem you wrote for group yesterday" What did I say before, my smart girl would figure out it was written for her.

"What about my poem? Did you not like it or something?"

"On the contrary I loved it, in a dark depressing way." Did I really make it depressing? I guess I should pay better attention.

"So what did you like so much about it? Well besides everything cause I'm such an amazing writer and all."

"Ash, I said be serious. Plus I have a question about one of the parts." I wonder which part would cause her to question me.

"Okay, shoot"

"Uh, the part about being in rage, and being locked in a cage like a quote unquote rabid animal" I should have figured this would come up, I only hope that it wouldn't.

I move as close to the wall as I can get to assure myself that she would hear me. The last thing I need is to repeat this a second or even third time because she didn't hear.

I inhale, filling my lungs to the brim with rank air, hold it, and release. God, if you even bother with me anymore, help me out will ya?

---------------------------------------------------

"Heather, mind passing over some of that salt?" I ask kindly, stress evident in my voice nonetheless.

"Uh huh, sure thing" She holds the cheap plastic container out to me, letting her fingers 'accidentally' graze mine all the while letting out an audible oops.

She really doesn't mean it, how can I tell? Her leg just slipped between mine. I wish I could be with Spencer, but she's in a meeting with her parents. I should actually say parent, mommy dearest didn't show up, just like last time when the staff made it clear that you don't "cure" homosexuality.

------------------

That was a serious bitch fight too, nothing compared to my getting hair pulled. She was mere centimeters from their faces and yelling as if they were deaf. She could have drowned them with all her spit, that no doubt was flying. Spencer hung her head low in shame, her dad on the other hand was trying to tame the beast. I suggested a collar and leash, Paula turned to me so fast I think she got whiplash. If this were a cartoon, her head would have blown off like a nuclear bomb, not that I would have minded.

--------------------

She walked into the day area eyes red and puffy, hot tears still paving it's path down her cheeks. There was a look of dread plastered on her face, God only knows what hell she sat though, at least it was only her father, I can only imagine what would have happened if Paula A.K.A. Satan was here.

She walked over to me, pained expression only increasing and said one sentence.

"They're moving me to the other wing so they can keep a better eye on me."


End file.
